Dryness and Honor

I've lately had this terrible spiritual dryness, not feeling the presence and the reality of God. This is, I feel now, based in God helping me grow, helping me seek to seek Him more, as, again, the One and Only Thing.


Today I was again bemoaning to Him how I didn't 'feel' Him. He feels so distant, as if I am walking in a dry barren wasteland. The sky seems hard and shut, the ground stony and unyielding. Other things, stuff other than God, seems much more real and comforting than Him right now.

As I lay there on my bed, I asked God, "Why are you doing this? Why are you allowing other things to be more real to me, than you are right now? I feel so far away, why!?"



And He brought me to realize that this is an opportunity, a chance to choose Him once more. If we felt Him all the time, what glory would we bring Him if we made the then-obvious choice of remaining in Him? It brings no glory, no honor, for me to make the obvious choice between choosing Him and the amazing feeling of JOY that He brings . . . but for me to choose Him even when I do not receive any immediate benefit, when I do not immediately feel Him, that is the proclamation of His greater goodness. To imitate Him (cross) in choosing that which I know is better, over what feels good right now, that is an essential part of the pursuit of Christ.

God's allowing me to choose Him, allowing me to bring Him honor.





At the same time, it's still a little frustrating.





I have learned that it's a bad idea to confine the pursuit of Jesus to merely thinking about Him and praying to Him. The third leg of seeking is, obviously, His Word. I am working on seeking to know who this Jesus really is, as shown by how he interacts with people. But in this state of dryness, it's been a little difficult. As I cracked open my Bible and started looking for where I had last left off in Matthew, that sense of dryness came crashing in again. It was really disheartening, looking at God's inspired Word, and feeling profoundly uninspired.


So, although I didn't feel like it, I prayed. I asked God to give me something to read, something that wasn't just words on the page.

My eyes hit Matt. 20:29-34.

These blind guys. They ask Jesus for mercy. He has, ultimately (theological discussion here), allowed them to be as they are, blind. But they know there is something more. Jesus asks, "What do you want me to do for you?" They say, "Lord, we want our sight."

They are asking for the same thing I am asking for, to see. I need to see Jesus working, to know Him in His reality. So, I asked along with them, "Jesus, I want to see." He said, "What you are asking for will be painful. A barren desert surrounds you, a dry land that you cannot survive in." I said, "I know, but I must see you. Whatever else, if I am going to pursue You, I have to see You in that desert."

Which, really, who can survive in that desert, without the water that He gives? Who can maintain a pursuit of Him apart from Him? That's the whole point of John 15:1-8, remaining in the vine.

Matt. 8:31 records what happened next: "Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him."

That's what I want.