A lot of learning

Wow. There's been a lot of learning tonight.

I went to Voice Cincinnati tonight, after having to miss it last week. It was such a blessing again tonight, to spend time in personal worship, and in receiving a message (albeit through a cd).

On the ride there, I started to think about some of the things that God is doing in my life. I realized that there has been a theme of giving up good things, for Him. Not giving up in terms of quitting, but in terms of surrendering. Each of these things are good things, that God has created for blessing. But while good, they are things that cannot become a focus of mine at all, but rather something that comes out of my pursuit of Jesus. So, He's asked me if I am able to give them up, for Him.

I've been asked to:
♦ Not pursue a girl I liked, because it would be a distraction from my pursuit of God
♦ Make playing with melk about praising and honoring God, not just about myself having fun
♦ Allow someone whose friendship over the years has blessed me so much, and who is closely intertwined with my life, to move further away from me
♦ and, now, a new one. Keep reading.

At Voice Cincinnati, the speaker kept reinforcing this absurdly simple, yet incredibly radical idea. It's the same truth that I learned last year in Deeper. It's that our only focus in life is to know Christ intimately. That's it. Not evangelism, which is supposed to come out of knowing Jesus. Not a career, not a ministry. That the only point in life, the only thing that our lives are made for, is knowing Christ more intimately every day.

As I was sitting there, listening, it came to me,

"Can you give up being married, for Me?"





Now, I have looked forward to marriage for a really long time. A Really Long Time. I have looked forward to the close friendship that will last a lifetime, the intimate knowing of who the other half of me really is. What makes them laugh and cry, what lifts them up. Sharing life together, experiencing the vitality of facing God's creation and laughing with exhilaration. I have looked forward to the deep, intense friendship that marriage is supposed to mean.

And then the question, "Can you give up being married, for Me?"

I have not really dated at all up 'till now, for several reasons. One of them is that I am not in the time or place in my life to devote myself to another person. I'm just too selfish, and not willing to give up my time. That has freed me to do other things, like excelling at Bible Bowl, downhill snow skiing, Boy Scouts, and drumming.

God took this background, along with all that I've been reading about Paul for my Acts class, and said, "See how much more useful you could be, how much more able you could be to respond to me?

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul says it like this:

29 What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

For those of you who, like me, usually skip the large blocks of text, what he just said was that we are more free to just focus on God's work when we are not married. Married people have a God-given obligation to care for their spouse and family, before anything else. Unmarried people have only God to be concerned about.

Now, I don't take this as an iron-clad decree from on high. This is a question that God is asking me. But, I must answer it in complete sincerity, knowing that how I answer may very well determine a large part of the rest of this life.




Have you ever seen something so beautiful, so exquisite, that you just cried when you saw it? Something so incredibly awesome that it hurt? And they are tears of joy, of happiness. But something so lovely that the only response possible is to cry?

As I was riding back to campus, God showed me a picture of myself, when I'm eighty or ninety. Old, feeble, frail. Not in a bad or disrespectful way at all, but just recognizing the fact that these bodies don't last like they used to.

A picture of me, looking back on my life. Me, thinking of each thing that I've been involved in, each fragment of life. And then seeing the one thread that ran through all of them, the One Thing that bound every single part of my life together. A simple-minded, single-hearted pursuit of intimacy with Christ. And it was so beautiful! To see someone who had poured themself out like a drink offering, basing all of themselves on the simple pursuit of the Lord.

I cried, riding back to campus. I cried out to God, telling Him that I'd much rather be not married, if it meant knowing Him more. I cried over the possibility that I might not marry. I cried at the sight of this life, single-mindedly devoted to Christ. I am not a person who cries, as a general rule. Yet I cried. Tears of joy and sorrow; the only emotion that I could find was crying. Because this exquisite beauty, this intense joy that I was allowed to taste, is the love my Savior feels for me every second.

Intense.

Passionate.

Deep.

Gentle.

Irresistible.

Love.

That's my God.