Raindrops and Sunshine

There's something oddly beautiful about a cloud-muted sunset, reflected through raindrops

$25, and Customer Service

So, Delta is instituting a new policy where the second bag you check, and every bag thereafter, costs you $25. I know this, because Orbitz just sent me an email telling me so. This is because one of the flights that we're taking to Prague is a Delta flight.

Well, that shouldn't be a problem, I say to myself, because we have been thinking about just doing everything in a carry-on apiece anyway. But, just out of curiosity, I decided to log in and see which flight it was that was on a Delta plane.

I clicked the little button to look at all the flights, and spent about 3 minutes very puzzled. See, we're taking three flights to get over there, and three flights to get back. I have the itinerary in my inbox. Well, I see three flights coming back, but only two flights on the way there.

How odd, I think. Perhaps they decided to direct-flight it? That's cool. So, I look closer. I see the flight out of Cincinnati, to Washington. I see the flight from Washington to London. They're exactly the same as always. Then I look in disbelief as THAT'S WHERE THE FLIGHT ITINERARY ENDS!!!!!

I'm mildly concerned at this point. I have five people going to Prague, places lined up and everything, and my ticket ENDS IN LONDON!!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I like London - or at least I think I would. Cherok says lots of nice things about it. I'd like to visit some time.

BUT I WANT TO GO TO PRAGUE!!!! Moreover, I PAID to go to Prague!

Well, I'm on the phone right now with Michelle, a very nice lady with a bit of an accent, who is finding me a new flight, no charge. I'm very very thankful. Though, I'm curious - what would have happened if Delta hadn't started charging for the second checked bag, and I hadn't logged in to look at the itinerary again? THAT would have been a nasty surprise!

"Bless the Lord, my soul
and bless His holy name
Bless the Lord, my soul
who leads me into Life"
~ song from Taize
.

IHoP All-nighter

So, sometimes, when students have papers they have to finish, they stay up late and write them. Sometimes, however, they decide to pull all-nighters.

Now, there is a protocol for all-night study/writing events. First, you should choose your destination. There are a few restaurant-type places that are open 24-hours a day. Examples of these would be Tim Horton's, The Anchor, and the International House of Pancakes.

The second choice that has to be made is your all-nighter companions. This is a crucial step in "pulling an all-nighter." If your companions are too studious, they will have already finished the paper, and will be asleep by the time you realize you need to stay awake all night. If your companions are too flighty, they'll go with you to the restaurant but will never get anything done, and will prevent you from writing much more than three paragraphs over the course of the night.
The ideal all-nighter companions, then, are those whom you enjoy thoroughly, but who also really want to finish their assignment as much as you do. It helps if they are in your class, working on the same paper or studying for the same test that you are.

You might be surprised to find that there are really only two steps to pulling an all-nighter. You might not realize, however, how crucial both steps are in pulling a successful all-nighter.


I am pleased to report that the restaurant chosen was the IHOP by the Very Large Meijer, just off of Exit 8A on I-71 North.

The companions consisted of Corey Isaac, Scuttle, Becckha, and myself.

The time had was an excellent mixture of laughter (mostly Corey and myself), poking (exclusively Becckha), enjoying the fact that she's not in Advanced Greek yet (exclusively Scuttle), and paper-writing. I myself left with seven double-spaced pages at 7 o'clock this morning.

One important factor to consider is your coffee-tolerance. If you only drink coffee as an occasional paper-stimulant, do not drink the whole Bottomless Pot you purchased and were brought, and do not ask your waitress for another. This results in energy for a while, until you realize that your brain is incoherent, but too hyped up on caffeine to realize that it is exhausted. Then you try to sleep, but are unable to for the next 7 hours. For your own sake, moderate your coffee-intake.



All in all though? I had a BLAST, and will not forget this paper-writing experience for a Long Time.

one of Those People

I hate myself so much right now.

mmmm, no, that's not true. I wouldn't trade this for the world.

but still . . . i'm one of Those People.

The people I mock, the people who can't seem to spend enough time with their girlfriend, so they stay out right up to curfew and then come trooping back to the dorm. Those people.

k, so, I went for a walk. It was a nice night out, right? beautiful. Sure, curfew was in 15 minutes, but that's cool. Sure, I might have been holding hands . . . I don't mind that part. At all, actually. [editor's note - he was not holding hands with himself, but rather with his girlfriend] Wait, didn't I mention that part? Oh, yeah, I have a girlfriend now . . . but it was a REALLY nice night out too, I promise.

So, we're walking, enjoying the night air . . . and it's curfew time. So, as we walk back to her dorm, I notice EVERY other couple walking back as well. And then it hits me. i'm one of Those People. I'm part of the club, the group of people who all troop back down to the dorm right as curfew hits, having spent their last precious moment together with their significant other for the night.

But I'm not one of those people, I promise! I'm trying really really hard to maintain individuality for the both of us. I don't want to be That Couple, who eats EVERY meal together, who is practically joined at the . . . well, hands? Shoulders? *insert body-part here*? 'Cause, I mean, we're dating. We're not engaged. We're still individuals, with our own responsibilities and lives. Sure, I like her - obviously! Sure I enjoy spending time together - obviously! But I still want to remain individual people, for now. If it doesn't work, that limits the pain. If it does work, it won't be a problem - there's plenty of time. I tend to throw myself whole-heartedly into anything that I determine is worth doing. That's great and wonderful, that's a terrific ability/gift. But I'm learning the value of caution and boundaries. Not that I didn't ever have boundaries before - but I'm learning more about them, and about what it means to be a man in a relationship.

So, really, I'm not one of Those People. I have boundaries, and I don't have to be with her ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! Just, tonight, part of the time that I bounded out to spend with her, happened to fall during the stereotyped time.

cool.






oh, and I REALLY appreciate people who come and talk to me, instead of 1). assuming, and 2). starting rumors.

Not that I've heard any rumors - but I know how my campus works.

Responsible

I am not responsible for my guilt, I realized this morning. I am responsible for my actions before God. If my heart is both seeking him, and clean before him, then I can reject any feelings of guilt that are pointed my way.

It's easy for me to feel guilty, when I take on responsibilities that I shouldn't - or say no to things, and then feel bad for it. But, really, there is only one judge, who is able to save and destroy. I just need to please him, right?

I feel like there's a little danger in being so simplistic - I actually intended to simply right "I am responsible only before God," but then as I wrote it I felt like that was a very dangerous proposition. I don't think it's wrong, it's just easy to abuse if your heart is wrong.

Now, not all guilt is wrong. But I know that it is a powerful tool that gets used against me. That's why I hate it SO MUCH when people try to guilt-trip me into doing things. I do it to myself, however, and I'm so much more insidious. It all comes back to God - am I honoring Him, or not? if I am, I can stand firm in that. If I'm not, I'd better start moving, now!


Whatcha think?

A long-awaited story

So, as many of you know, I lived in Prague, in the Czech Republic, for a semester before coming to college. This was as part of a discipleship program. I had a roommate, Ben R. We lived in a nice little circa-1950's style Czech flat. Some of the amenities were a clothes washer (but no dryer), and an in-line hot-water heater for the kitchen sink.


We had two rooms that we used as bedrooms - the living room area, and the kitchen area. Both had beds in them. Ben took the kitchen - I was in the living room.


Sidenote - We replaced the first letter of the room name with the first letter of our name, when talking about the rooms. For example, my bedroom was the Jiving room; take the L off of living room, and put a J there. Ben was in the kitchen. I'll let you figure that one out . . .



A crucial piece of background information - while we had a small clothes washer in the flat, we did not have a dryer. This is normal for the Czech. After all, you can hang your clothes out to dry. It saves money. So, we strung up ropes that I had brought along, and dried our clothes on them. It worked very well.


One night Ben needed a pair of underware to be dry for the next day. Rather than chance the rope-dryers, he placed the pair on top of the in-line water-heater for the kitchen sink. The advantage to this was the pilot light in the water heater - it was always on, and the heat from it was vented out the top of the heater. Ben placed his underware over the vent on the top, and the underware dried out just fine.

Ben often slept later than I did. Seeing as he was in the kitchen, and I need breakfast to function well, I would slip quietly into the kitchen and make myself some oatmeal or something. That particular morning I turned on the hot water to fill my little pot. I failed to note the underware on top of the heater. To my great surprise, flames from the pilot light started shooting out the front of the heater, through the little hole used to light the pilot light if it had gone out. Apparently when the vent at the top was covered up, the fire came out the hole!

The flames shot upward, and I was afraid that I had crisped Ben's underware. I hurriedly turned the water off and checked - to my great relief they were unsinged.

After the fact this episode was very amusing to me. I shared it with Ben and a friend of ours who had come over from America to visit.






It was at this point that we . . . well, we decided to reinact what had happened, and get it on film.








Three guys, fire, underware . . . can ya blame us?







So we attempted it. Well, it turned out that the flame shooting out the water heater wasn't enough to light the underware on fire - at least, not quickly enough.



But Ben had bought a bottle of Absinthe while we were there. Don't ask me why.




It's pretty strong stuff.









Yeah - that's Ben.

Yeah - that's a bottle of Absinthe.

Yeah - that's his pair of briefs on the water heater



But he decided he should probably disguise himself, so we took a second picture.






He named the hat Janet.





We set up elaborate safety precautions before beginning - we're guys, but we're not stupid . . .





Okay, so we're guys.





We filled up the sink with soapy water, and we filled a couple pitchers with water, just in case the fire got out of hand.

We attached a thread to the underware so we could twitch them off the heater into the sink, and not worry about being burned.


. . .



. . .



Okay, so they seemed elaborate at the time.









*You may have to try dragging the video slider slightly to the right - for some reason it freezes, but if you drag if slightly it will keep playing.*



This was our first try - For some reason the flame shot out the back this time, instead of the front. You can't really tell it from the video, but they did. We were very shocked.


And, yes, that was me turning the water on.

(Micah and Justin D., don't worry; if I am on a camp team I won't do this while representing the school. Actually, throughout this entire process the three of us were continually saying to each other, "This is a really stupid idea . . . man, this is dumb . . . if this goes wrong . . . man, this is stupid)



So we adjusted the underware, and tried again.


This is where a little miscommunication occured - I was the designated 'puller.' I was supposed to pull the thread so the underware would fall into the sink and be extinguished. However, I assumed we were going for complete burn-out. Ben merely assumed that we were going to light the briefs on fire.




*You may have to try dragging the video slider slightly to the right - for some reason it freezes, but if you drag if slightly it will keep playing.*






Man, that Absinthe is strong stuff! Did you see how long it kept burning?










Here's the aftermath:
















So, how'd you spend YOUR spring break?

Day 1, IHOP - KC

So we’re here in Kansas City, MO. We drove through the night and arrived a few minutes before 3, local time. That’d be Central Time, so our bodies felt like it was really a few minutes before 4, Eastern Time. The time change was real nice coming, but going back will take a bit longer.

I’m sitting here in the Prayer Room at IHOP. The question that I continue to ask is, “What is it to know God for these next few days?” I can’t tell you how amazing it is to have absolutely no schedule, no expectations placed on me, to be completely free to do whatever I need to do to know God.

But what is that? I have no responsibilities – what does it look like to know Christ in a time of freedom like this? So far, it has included, 1). singing some with the always-playing worship team, 2). Sitting silently, thinking, 3). Being asleep, and 4). Thinking about healing.

IHOP includes an emphasis on healing. They have several healing rooms to my left and slightly behind me. The worship leader during the last set brought to us a prayer request for a man who had a stroke.

This led me to ask, “Why do we ask for healing? What’s the goal in seeking healing from God?” Certainly he must be able to heal, for He is God, the same God of the Old and New Testaments, who healed. Jesus healed people. God does not seem to be opposed to healing at all.

And yet, at the same time, I read verses about rejoicing in trials, about God being glorified in weakness, about weak people being those God can use. Just this past Sunday I heard some more of the story of a man in my home congregation who has had debilitating back pain for the past five years. I had taken part in a prayer meeting where we asked God for healing for his back.

This man would gladly work at the job he has had his whole life. He doesn’t to be in such a state that he is unable to work. He is not a slacker. Yet God does not enable him to work in this way.

Instead, he has been volunteering at a soup kitchen, with clothing drives, with all sorts of ministries aimed at people who have been dealt a bad hand in life. He is busier now than he ever was working. And he loves it.

The pain that kept him from working at his job, God used to put him in this ministry opportunity. He would not have started volunteering if he had been able to work, if he had been able to continue has he had all his life.

Something that it seems like I hear very often here at IHOP and its functions is that God desires for all of us to be whole, and healthy. Maybe I am merely misunderstanding what they mean by that, and I look forward to a chance to talk with someone here. But I don’t feel like I can quite agree with that statement, that God desires health for all of us.

That would be making health the goal of this life. I don’t agree that the point of life is health. If it is, God has been failing for quite a while now at that task. There are sooooooo many people both now and before our time who have been sick, diseased, hurt, and not ‘healthy.’ No, I don’t believe that the point of life is health. Not from God’s perspective.

If, however, the point of life is knowing God as who He is, however I am (whole, sick, weak, broken), then indeed that goal has been accomplishable.

“He is not far from each one of us.” (Acts 17:27)

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. (Romans 1:20)

And so much good can come out of being broken, not being whole. Like the example of the guy from my congregation, so much good is being brought out of his terrible pain. This good would not have happened had he not had this back trouble.

So should we just accept whatever infirmities we get? Should I just accept my physical state as a gift from God that will help me serve other people, serve Him?

Maybe.

So why this emphasis on healing?

Is it because disease goes against the Very Good way that God created us? Is it because we are seeking to return to the way of living before the Fall, where we are in communion with God as with a friend – and sickness did not have a part of that?

Maybe.

Is it because I feel like I can serve better if I am not weighed down by this infirmity?

Maybe.

I was watching a man walk around here, who was a bit overweight. It’s not hard to be overweight in America. But you can work at losing weight, right? And, if you’re working at something, you’re going to talk about and share that goal/process/progress with the people around you who care about you, right? This would include God, it would seem. God cares about me, deeply. I am going to share with Him things that I’m working toward.

What about a cold? I can work toward getting rid of a cold – Vitamin C, sleep, Chicken Noodle Soup, etc. Now, I would share that with Jesus too – it’s something that is concerning me, so I share it.

How about a broken bone? I am going to go to a doctor, get it set, get a cast, and try to heal it up. That also is something that I’d share with Jesus; “Jesus, my arm is broken, I’m trying to help it heal. It hurts, it’s inconvenient. I’d like it to be healed. I know that I was not created to have a broken arm.”

How about cancer?

A stroke?

Once you start sharing your life with Jesus, there really isn’t a place that you stop. There’s no part of my life that just doesn’t concern Him. Including health, healing, and wholeness.

But, God can bring such good out of physical brokenness, too.

What to do?

Maybe both?


The Christian Churches/Churches of Christ often get a bad rap on healing. We pray, “God, if it is your will, please heal this person. But, you know better than we do, so do whatever you want.” (You’re going to anyway, so just do it.) And, that rap is deserved. I know MANY people who pray that type of prayer because they simply don’t believe that God either can or will heal people.

The fear is that the person won’t be healed. If they’re not healed, and I asked and had faith that they would be, what does that mean? That my God is too weak? That my faith is too weak? What happened?

I myself was that way for quite a while. It’s kind of like wishing – I’d sure like for this person to be healed, but I’d rather not risk my (almost non-existent) faith in case they aren’t. I’d rather give God an out, so I can continue believing in Him.


Well that’s no good! If my God could fail, how good is that God? He’s no better than the idols of gold and silver of the Old Testament. I believe in Him, sure, but He may not do anything. I make my offering so as not to make him angry, I do the right stuff – but I don’t believe that he truly has power.

If my God has no power, then there is no reason to fear Him. If I do not fear my God, if I don’t believe that he is both real and active, then I don’t have any reason to change. There is no reason (or power) to be reformed, to be changed, transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2).

Oh, look at that!

The second half of that verse ties right back in!

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

If my mind is transformed because my God is powerful, I will be able to test and approve (find, see, and acknowledge) what God’s will is, what God is doing. This must relate to healing as well.

If my God is powerful, if I am changed by Him, if I am seeking to know who He is, what He is like, then I will be able to find His will for health and sickness.

Yes, we are created to be healthy. Yes we receive sicknesses, infirmities. Yes God uses both. Through knowing Him, then, I can know whether I am to accept illness, or seek healing.

Thus, in faith, is it possible that the seemingly wavering prayer that my church background taught me is acceptable before God? In faith, truly seeking and trusting, is it possible that I am indeed to say, “I don’t like this pain, this hurt, this unwholeness. The good I see is that it be taken away from me, (2 Corinthians 12:8-9. Yet if it is not taken away, I accept it and rejoice in how You will be glorified in it, and how I can seek and know You through it.

Maybe.

Peace . . .

Spring Break has messed with my head. There are several things that I could be doing right now, preparing for this next week of school . . . and I'm not doing any of them. Instead, I watched three episodes of Seinfeld (fantastic show) with Justin, updated my xanga and my blog, talked with friends on AIM, and am considering going to bed real soon here.



A picture came up on my computer desktop that grabbed my attention. It was so . . . peaceful. I kinda want to go backpacking now. Enjoy these with me.











Peace to you

W-2's

Okay, so who's upset because he def. can't find one of his W-2's?

Who def. put it in a safe place?

Who was pretty sure, after looking at home, that it was in his dorm room?

Who is pretty sure, after looking in his dorm room, that it must be at home?

Who is pretty sure that he needs another copy of his W-2, pronto?


Who lives in an age of abundance, and has to put all the STUFF he brought from home away?




You're guess is as good as mine - with all these clues, it'd better be!




-- edit --

oh, and who got a buzz cut?

-- edit edit --

Dude, I just found pictures that Impact Ministries (the hosting organization for Deeper d.t.i.) has on their website! There's some of me with my mohawk! Check 'em out!

Shopping . . . grrrrr

I'm at home. That means,

1). Good food

2). Sleeping a lot

3). Free laundry

It also means

4). Dial-up internet


I'm weighing the benefits.








I went shopping today.







Grrrrrrr.



Right, the fact that I wear about the same fifteen shirts? Yeah, that should indicate that I don't so much do the whole shopping thing. But, for Celebration Singers, we're supposed to have grey pants and a black shirt. Well, I bought a black shirt off my roommate; lucky me. Gray pants, however . . .



oh, and which way do you prefer to spell it? Grey, or Gray? I'm not sure which I like better, so I use both.



First we went to Greensburg, the town near my village. Minears had black pants, blue pants, and khakis. No grey pants. There was a very nice old man though, I'd like to buy something from him sometime - aside from the fact that I simply don't buy clothes.

Off to Indianapolis. My sister needed to go up for Bible Bowl practice with the team she plays with, so during practice Mom and I went off to check in the large stores that should carry everything under the sun.

And, they do certainly carry everything under the sun. Except for gray pants, 28/32. Yes, I'm skinny, get over it. I have small feet too, take your pick, laugh at me for one or the other. I wear 7 1/2, maybe 8, men's.

Back to the stores. We looked. And looked. And looked. Macy's, JC Penny, Khols. And a side trip into Best Buy to look at external hard drives, my computer's getting full. Did you know that not many external hard drives available in your local Best Buy (if you live in Indy) come with both USB 2.0 and Firewire? They all seem to like USB. Which, is all fine and dandy, unless you want the speed of Firewire . . . which I do. I didn't end up getting anything tonight.

Back to the stores. (I'm almost writing this in real time, so you experience what I felt this evening). About the only thing that made it tolerable was a new jacket that my family brought back from Nebraska. It has a line-in that'll fit all mp3 players/cd players/etc. So as we traipsed from one store to another, up and down aisles, straining our eyes for grey pants that would fit my apparently slowly-wasting-away body. (Get it, wasting away, waisting away . . . wow, sometimes I amaze even myself). Hmmm, I didn't finish that sentence. So, as we traipsed from one store to another, up and down aisles, straining our eyes for gray pants that would fit me . . . I was rocking out with Phil Keaggy, his 220 album. In fact, that's what I'm listening to right now, if you couldn't tell from the little music box thing up there. That helped me smile and laugh at the fact that I might not have pants for choir tour - that would be interesting.


It was time to go, we needed to pick my sister up. My mom finally asked a sales lady, who confirmed that they just don't make waist sizes that much smaller than length, for dress pants. But, she recommended a 30/30 pair. Apparently you can go for a shorter length in dress pants, and it looks fine. The waist was a bit loose, but it can work. I'll have a belt.

We're on the other side of the mall from the car, and it's time to be gone. I really enjoy walking fast through malls, it almost makes me feel important. To walk fast with my Mom, that was pretty fun too. We were bookin' it!


Do you ever try to capitalize numbers? Or slashes? I do it all the time, it's really frustrating. I want to put special emphasis on the number, and it comes out this odd looking symbol. And the worst part is, I usually do it several times in a row with several numbers, 'cause I really wanted to emphasize that part of whatever I was writing . . . sheesh.



I don't shop for clothes. Especially expensive ones. Tim says chalk it up to the fact that we don't have to buy books for the class. That helps . . . a little.

I don't shop for clothes.

I have a nice pair of pants, however you spell their color. And I'm pretty sure they won't match anyone else's pants, unless you had the same difficulty as me. Lemme tell ya, it's getting harder and harder to be skinny in this country. I'm thinking of moving to Prague, where they appreciate slim people. But, they don't do socks so well there. My socks from the Czech Republic are TERRIBLE!!! But since I don't shop, I just keep using them. They're very durable too.

My great-great-grandmother was from Ireland. That's pretty cool.

I like pudding.

Beautiful Tears

I read something beautiful today . . .

. . . and I cried a little.








Tears of joy.














That's a big deal, for me.











Thanks God.











*smile*

Some thoughts

Today went very well. Last night melk drove down to Louisville, KY, to take part in the North Bullitt Christian Church service this morning. We played three songs, and performed a short sketch exemplifying how we spend time on so many other things, but neglect time with God. On both the way down and the way back we had some excellent time to talk with each other, sharing stories and laughter.

But the real reason I am posting is the sermon that I got to hear at the church. It was pretty much about just encountering Jesus and being changed by Him. It was great! I’d like to share some thoughts that came out of that.

Are you obedient, or holy? God calls us in 1 Peter 1:15-16, as well as in several other places, to be holy because He is holy. Obedience to God is not merely maintaining the status quo in following Him, but also doing whatever He asks. Obedience is good. But, you can train a dog to be obedient! Holiness is something different.

Now, I had learned this verse about being holy because God is holy growing up. As I had pondered it I had never really come to any concrete conclusion as to what it was to be holy because (and as) God is holy. I knew the definition of holy is “Something set apart.” But what did that mean for me? I just figured that it must be different for each person, and for different times of life. And this is true. But today, as the preacher was speaking, God gave a simple new explanation to me.

In the Old Testament, the Israelites were supposed to be a people holy to the Lord. They were set apart from their neighbors by the Law God gave them. Their dietary restrictions, the clean and unclean things, the feasts and complete dependence on God, all set them apart as the Lord’s people. Within the Israelites, the Levites were set apart to the service of the Lord. The things that made them holy were their external actions, their obedience to God’s Law.

For us, under the New Covenant of Jesus’ blood that brings us each into personal communion with God, things are a little different. We don’t have lists of rules that tell us how to be holy as God is holy. Instead of being set apart physically from all the sin and people around us, we are rather called to be set apart in our hearts. To be holy is to have a heart that is set apart for Just One Thing. Now, I realize that sounds a little simple. “Duh, Joel.” Yeah, the pursuit of God is simple – a child can understand it. But it’s not easy.

This is really, I’m realizing, just another facet of the same principle that I learned in Deeper. The question that I learned there was, “What do I need to do to be more intimate with God today?” This question is, “What do I need to do for my heart to be set apart to God today?” It’s the same question, just asked with different words. For our hearts, and thus our whole selves, to be set apart to God . . . wow. Lord that I would be caught up in You.




It’s time for me to go through the Psalms again. I had been in Genesis with Joseph, Exodus with Israel and God, then Deuteronomy being impressed with God’s awesome ultimate holiness, and how all of His decrees are for the purpose of bringing glory to Himself. Now, as I pour my heartcry out to God, it’s time to be in the Psalms again. Psalm 62:5-8.


-- philosophizing on returning home --

It’s kinda funny, returning home this time. My family is gone in Nebraska right now, visiting relatives and competing in the Nebraska Christian College Bible Bowl tournament. So I have time to contemplate. This house that I grew up in, will soon not be my home anymore.

The dogwood tree out front is budding; it will bloom soon. The crocuses are coming up; they’ll be red and yellow when they blossom. Little things are changing, being moved around in the house, rearranged to serve my family without me. It’s a little bittersweet. I am in the correct time of life for me now, but I’m not with my family. I’m not with them as they experience life, not able to share in the joys and sorrows like I could if I were here all the time. My little brother misses me something awful, and I’d say it’s a safe bet my sisters miss me too. I know Mom and Dad do. When I’m off at school or wherever else I am, I hardly give them a thought, caught up in what I’m doing, what I’m responsible for. I think that’s because I know that they are all here at home, and I will see them again. I’m not worried about never seeing them again, I just move in and out of my house and they move in and out of my life. Coming home reminds me they are still here – and that they won’t be for very much longer.

What a strange thing time is. It keeps moving onward. Why was I placed at exactly this place in time? Why was I blessed with exactly these parents, these siblings, and these advantages in life? I have been given the heritage of those who fear God’s name http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2061:5;&version=31;. I have been blessed in exceeding measure. There is a measure of sadness in the fact that never again will I be a part of my family in quite the same way. What does God have for me?

I want to protect my sisters, share with them things that I’m learning, and share their lives, because I love them. They have been given to me as people who share my life, people who love me, people who I want the best for. Sure they get a little annoying at times, but I dearly want good for them, not evil. I want to protect them, smooth the way for them, have fun with them. Maybe I should take them on a picnic. That would be fun. I love my sisters. And there is so much of their lives that I’m missing. Soon they will be gone, and I will see them less and less. Such a strange thing time is, going on and on, slowly separating some people. Have I been a good brother? What must I do to be a good brother now, so that I don’t look back on this time of life and grieve for opportunities I missed.

2 Timothy 1:7

Much to write. Too much. I love Jesus, He's gently turning my focus to only Him, to Only One Thing. That's where it has to be. I hate the pain I cause when I take my eyes off Him. The verse in front of my eyes right now is 2 Timothy 1:7 - For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

For a long time God has been emphasizing the first part of that verse for me - being called not to fear, but to power. In fact, I was kinda curious why the rest of the verse was there, having a spirit of love and of self-discipline. But today, just this morning, as I look at it, I see that all three parts are integral. Think about it with me.

First of all, God did not give us a spirit of timidity, or fear. Fear is a strong driving force. For all without the hope of Christ's eternity, there is the fear of death. Even for those with the hope of Christ in glory, we can allow ourselves to be fearful, fearing that God's plan will not provide what we need. But God did not call us to fear. He did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid. His Spirit does not make us afraid! Are you reveling in your freedom from fear? Or are you remaining locked in fear?

Second, God GAVE us a spirit of Power! His Spirit is powerful. We have a spirit of power within us. Power does things. It acts. It drives. This can be a wonderful thing. It can also be detrimental, if we allow it to be. Power, unchecked, will destroy us and those around us. We are weak. Thus the next part is love.

In addition to power, we have a spirit of love. Colossians 3:14 says, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Love binds, holds, smooths. The strength of power is controlled by the spirit of love that God gives us.

Finally, a spirit of self-discipline. Maintaining control over ourselves. We have power, it is tempered by love. But self-discipline is vital as well. Otherwise we are apt to do the right thing at the wrong time. I must continually bring myself into line with what I know God has for me right now.


As many of you know, I grew up with a tremendous self-discipline. Unfortunately, it was employed in the service of a lifeless head-knowledge of Jesus. I had a form of godliness, while denying it's power. I was perfect . . . but not.

God has been calling me out of that lifelessness, in a process that started with Deeper in the fall of 2004. Beginning this January, He has been calling me to accept my emotions as an integral part of me, and to express them. I started moving away from the extreme self-discipline that I had imposed upon myself. Yet, according to this verse, I am still called to self-discipline, still called to hold fast to what I KNOW is right, right alongside the spirit of power and the spirit of love that I have been given.

That's hard.

Thanks for your encouragement and support, for helping me along the way to simply One Pursuit. I appreciate it more than you know.

Just One Thing, again

"Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation. Oh my soul praise Him for He is thy help and salvation. All ye who hear, now to his temple draw near. Join me in glad adoration!"

I let go today. I had been holding on to something very precious, afraid that if I let go that I could lose it. God finally broke through, in His gentle way. He's been confronting me with this for the past while, and I was just too afraid. While acknowledging that He was big enough to bless me with all that He has for me, I was still afraid.

But He broke through tonight. I was able to release it, to let go, to do what I knew was right. That's the first part of my story.


melk played tonight, for the youth group lock-in at the YMCA. Here's what I wrote to God before we left to pick up the equipment and instruments.




"Dear God, I praise you for the truths that you are going to reveal to these kids tonight. Thank you for an opportunity to be you here on earth. We give back these talents and these songs, in an attempt to bless you. You have given them, it's not like we are able to present anything new to you. But even so, we seek to bless your name, as a small child would bless his father simply by the tiny gift given with such devotion. I do indeed give over my all tonight Father. I have been fighting you. But I surrender. Again. Jesus, I love you. It's a love that you give to me, to give to you. I love you because you first loved me. I love you because you are my purpose. I'm sorry for holding back, for not trusting. I have damaged our relationship, and I'm sorry. Will you hold me tight, and wash me clean? Even when I am looking over your shoulder, instead of at your face, you hold me. I am still your son. I am your chosen, beloved one. Your favorite one. You look at me and say, "There he is, the one that I have picked for this role. Only he can fill it. Choose me, choose life, little one. I love you will all of my being. My heart beats for you. I am your all, I am what you were created for. Let me fill you. Trust me. Release the thing you have been clinging so tightly to. I will tear it out of your hands if I have to, because it is more important for you to know me." Yes Father, yes Jesus, yes Lord. I bow my sad heart to the working and convicting of the Holy Spirit within me. I am sad, I am scared, worried that Your plan isn't enough. But I praise you for loving me enough to discipline me, for you only discipline those you love. I seek to be in you for this time of singing and worship tonight. I want to be lost in your glory, to rejoice in your beauty, to be captivated by your majesty . . . and I seek for YOU, who YOU are, YOUR REALITY to be communicated to these kids. If just one of them could know the reality and truth of who you are tonight, Father . . . it would be worth my death, it would be worth all the mistakes and problems that will inevitably occur. I love you Father."


As Justin and I drove there, we sang and prayed, participating in worship. I had been praying that the worship set would be about Jesus. That it would be worshipful, that the kids would be able to see the reality of Jesus. That it wouldn't be just one more band up front leading them in singing, like they do every week.

We got there, set up, ran through stuff, and had about twenty minutes before we were supposed to start. I slipped off to the room where we were going to meet to pray before playing. As I sat there, I felt so clean and washed, having let go of what I had been holding on to. And, I felt the presence of God! It has been so long since I really simply felt the reality of Jesus being right there, being real. Being present. I was so glad and excited, and amazed. This close, open communion is what I must have. Realizing of course that we do indeed go in cycles, not always being on a high with Jesus. But, the feeling and the complete connection to reality was such a blessing.

It's just such an amazing feeling, looking at the reality around us, the reality that I see - four walls, a ceiling, a floor - and being certain that Jesus is there too, that Jesus is real, and that Jesus loves me. It's the simple fact of His reality and love that just makes me so amazed and filled up with joy. It's so incredible, sitting there and looking at Jesus, and letting love wash over me. I feel so childlike, so simple, when I come before the throne like this. I don't ever, ever, ever want to lose this feeling of simply being with Jesus, being loved. I know this entire thing sounds quite absurd if you haven't experienced it. I am not sure how I would have responded to me in this situation, before I knew about this. But I pray that this story could bring you one step closer to knowing Jesus this way - as a real, loving individual, who simply enjoys being with you.

Anyway . . .

We started playing, the kids were singing. As we sang, some sang out to our Lord with all of their might. Some sang half-heartedly, with quizzical expressions on their faces. Some kids just sat there blankly. And at least half of the kids started conversations with their neighbors. In any other setting, and probably at any other time, I would have been a little offended. Here we were playing, and they're busy talking to their neighbor. More than that, they're ignoring this chance to worship God through song.

It was just as I was starting to get frustrated with the kids that the Holy Spirit reminded me of what I had prayed leading up to playing, and the true purpose that I had in being there - worshipping God myself. As long as I was worshipping God, it didn't really matter what the people around me were doing. And that principle, in fact, applies to all of life. Since all of life is worship, and our only purpose is to know Jesus more intimately each day, it doesn't really have to matter so much whether the people around us are worshipping God or not - as much as we want them to, and they should.

That is a very freeing principle. That nothing else matters other than intimacy with Jesus. I struggle to hold tight to that, but I do believe that simply knowing Jesus is the only goal/purpose we were created to fulfill in this life. And that then everything else comes out of that. The freedom comes from not having to worry about ANYTHING else! What other people are thinking (a big one for me, being free to just be who I am, not always checking to see how other people are responding - thank you Jesus from setting me free from that prison!), the activities other people are engaged in (it's just much more important for me to spend time knowing Jesus right now), the responsibilities that are pressing in, all the rest of life. Just one priority, just One Thing. This comes in part from Luke 10:41-42.


You can check out the context to brush up on the story and see how this fits into everything, but the basic principle is laid out right there. We get worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary chose to sit at the Master's feet, just intent on knowing Him. Everything else in life can be taken away from us - possessions, money, friends, family, spouses (eventually, for most of us), health, limbs, even our memory. But our relationship with Jesus, that cannot be taken away from us. If we are living for the next life, even while being engaged in living here, only the stuff that will last into the next life has much significance at all! Only people and God's word will last forever. My responsibility is to know Jesus, and allow everything else to come out of that. If you would like a definition of the word everything, talk to me. If you just can't see how something in particular could come out of the simple pursuit of God, talk to me. And when I say talk to me, I really mean talk to God, and I'd be more than willing to try to say God's words.


Just one thing, 'cause Jesus is REAL!!!!!!

Dryness and Honor

I've lately had this terrible spiritual dryness, not feeling the presence and the reality of God. This is, I feel now, based in God helping me grow, helping me seek to seek Him more, as, again, the One and Only Thing.


Today I was again bemoaning to Him how I didn't 'feel' Him. He feels so distant, as if I am walking in a dry barren wasteland. The sky seems hard and shut, the ground stony and unyielding. Other things, stuff other than God, seems much more real and comforting than Him right now.

As I lay there on my bed, I asked God, "Why are you doing this? Why are you allowing other things to be more real to me, than you are right now? I feel so far away, why!?"



And He brought me to realize that this is an opportunity, a chance to choose Him once more. If we felt Him all the time, what glory would we bring Him if we made the then-obvious choice of remaining in Him? It brings no glory, no honor, for me to make the obvious choice between choosing Him and the amazing feeling of JOY that He brings . . . but for me to choose Him even when I do not receive any immediate benefit, when I do not immediately feel Him, that is the proclamation of His greater goodness. To imitate Him (cross) in choosing that which I know is better, over what feels good right now, that is an essential part of the pursuit of Christ.

God's allowing me to choose Him, allowing me to bring Him honor.





At the same time, it's still a little frustrating.





I have learned that it's a bad idea to confine the pursuit of Jesus to merely thinking about Him and praying to Him. The third leg of seeking is, obviously, His Word. I am working on seeking to know who this Jesus really is, as shown by how he interacts with people. But in this state of dryness, it's been a little difficult. As I cracked open my Bible and started looking for where I had last left off in Matthew, that sense of dryness came crashing in again. It was really disheartening, looking at God's inspired Word, and feeling profoundly uninspired.


So, although I didn't feel like it, I prayed. I asked God to give me something to read, something that wasn't just words on the page.

My eyes hit Matt. 20:29-34.

These blind guys. They ask Jesus for mercy. He has, ultimately (theological discussion here), allowed them to be as they are, blind. But they know there is something more. Jesus asks, "What do you want me to do for you?" They say, "Lord, we want our sight."

They are asking for the same thing I am asking for, to see. I need to see Jesus working, to know Him in His reality. So, I asked along with them, "Jesus, I want to see." He said, "What you are asking for will be painful. A barren desert surrounds you, a dry land that you cannot survive in." I said, "I know, but I must see you. Whatever else, if I am going to pursue You, I have to see You in that desert."

Which, really, who can survive in that desert, without the water that He gives? Who can maintain a pursuit of Him apart from Him? That's the whole point of John 15:1-8, remaining in the vine.

Matt. 8:31 records what happened next: "Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him."

That's what I want.